Bagginses is stuck
by St.Alya
Summary: In which Fili and Kili aren't very helpful, but have enough sense to send the right dwarf to get him out of his complicated predicament.


**Well, here goes my first Bofur/Bilbo, as well as a small attempt at a little bit of humor, although that is really not my area of writing.**

**I just couldn't get Gollum's line out my head and I ended up using as a title XD**

**Please be gentle, I'm not sure if this is any good, so I'd like to know what you think. I thought that Bofur/Bilbo was unexpectedly more difficult to write than Fili/Kili. Oh, and there is a little bit of them, but it's very quick and silly.**

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Bagginses is stuck

_Oh, that was a nice one, Baggins. Really smooth_. A tiny Tookish voice growled in his mind and Bilbo merely whimpered in response. He tried to move again, achieving no success. Extending his right arm as far as he could, he aimed for a tree root that was sticking out of the mud. Still no success – and more mud over his body. After that was over he would have to take another bath.

_So much for privacy_. The Took spoke again, sarcasm filling his inner struggle. _Poor Baggins cannot bear the thought of seeing some naked dwarves, so he has to come alone into the woods to bathe! Now you've managed to step on the wrong place, fall deep into the mud, and there is no one around to help!_

Bilbo took big breaths. That was most definitely not the time to get a personality disorder issue. He refused to become like that weird, crawling creature in the gobblins' cave. Took, Baggins, Bagginstook, Tookbaggins… it mattered not who he was, he just had to get out of there! There, stuck in hole with mud up to his chest, he had to keep his integrity before things got worse. Either before he ended up getting deeper into the mud or before the situation got even more humiliating for him.

Oh, he could picture their faces if they found him. After his amazing act of bravery, of making a stand between their great leader and Azog, the Defiler, Bilbo Baggins doesn't mind his footing and gets stuck in the mud! He can already see the snigger in Dwalin's eyes and Gloin's obnoxious laughter. He doesn't even want to think about Fili and Kili's teasing. A groan escapes his lips and he almost lets his head fall onto the mud – his dignity was already lost, anyway.

"Very well… what can I do… to get out of this?" Bilbo asks himself, looking around to ponder about his options. His neatly folded clothes painfully far away, above a nice dry rock. Nothing he could hold onto to haul himself out nor anything to dig around himself to open a bigger hole so his legs move.

Sooner or later his absence would be noticed, of course. His little feat had put him in the center of the company's attention, and most of the dwarves were going out of their way just to help him if they could. Bilbo gets red just imagining being caught on that embarrassing situation!

_And in the end, they will see you naked anyway. Oh, the irony!_ The Took sounds too smug in his mind, and Bilbo rolls his eyes. The Baggins is still in control of the body so he blushes even more. Surely the mud would cover his private parts?

The disbelieving chuckle that escapes his lips lets him know that not even the Baggins believes that is possible. Mud or no mud, he would be completely exposed from head to toe.

_In that case, I hope Bofur is the one who finds us_. The Took strikes once again, causing him to cough in embarrassment. Especially because a fluttering feeling travels his body at the thought, telling him that the Baggins agrees. That's when Bilbo knows he is big trouble, because the Took and the Baggins very rarely agree on something.

"All right, stop this. Stop this!" He muttered to himself, drawing in a big breath, letting his lungs get filled with the earthly smells around him "I refuse to refer to myself as being two persons. I am Bilbo, the Hobbit, and I will get out of this situation."

His short moment of trying to gain some confidence, however, is interrupted by the sounds of laughter in the woods.

Had he been discovered, then?

After listening for a while, he concluded that he had not been found. Apparently two dwarves were walking and laughing in the middle of the woods. Which could only mean that sooner or later they would stumble upon him… The sounds were getting louder and closer. It was just a matter of time. Oh, the shame… He would have to hear about that all the way to Erebor!

_Not Bofur, but at least you will be rescued_. The Took offered quietly, finally taking pity.

"Oh, shut up, Took!" he said out loud, despite himself. Only too late Bilbo realized his mistake, covering his mouth with his muddy hands. The laughter stopped.

"Did you hear that?" a voice said.

"It came from the lake…" another voice said.

"Mr. Baggins was bathing himself!" the first voice commented. Kili. It had to be.

"Maybe he likes to sing while doing so." The second voice offered. Fili. Who else?

"It didn't sound really happy. It was more of a whelp, really."

"Hm, I'm not sure… With his high pitched voice…"

High pitched? Bilbo muttered silently to himself. Really? Well, he knew that he wasn't quite the baritone but… he didn't think he had such a thin voice. Of course, anything sounded high pitched near those damn dwarves and their rough voices.

He didn't have much time to dwell on that, though. Suddenly, two pairs of boots entered his disadvantaged line of sight.

"See? I told you he might be in trouble!" Kili grinned triumphantly at his brother.

"Bilbo, what happened?" Fili paid no mind to his brother winning stance, instead rose an amused eyebrow down at him "Did you… fall?"

There was an awkward pause, then. Bilbo looked up at the two dwarves, seeming like two giants looking down at him as if he was a very curious insect. Well, better get on with it.

"Yes, I… I, uh, I was just getting out of the lake when… when I apparently stepped on the wrong place and… and here I am." He threw his hands in the air a bit, not having the nerves to look at the identical amused looks that he was certainly receiving. All he had to do now was to wait for the laughter to come, to pass, and then being hauled out of the mud.

But of course, it never was simple when it comes to Fili and Kili.

"Mr. Baggins… are you naked in there?" the younger asks.

Bilbo freezes on his already move-constraining place. The blood rushing to his face until even his pointy ears are as red as a tomato. Why? Why did Kili have to ask that?! He does not bother to answer. From the corner of his eyes he sees the boys' heads moving from him to the place where his clothes were.

The laughter still doesn't come, and he sighs. He will have to look up.

When he does, he is met with the sight of Kili trying to put his hand over Fili's eyes, the older trying to bat his hand away.

"Fili, don't look!"

The blonde dwarf rolls his eyes. "Brother, I would hardly be tempted by… that."

_Excuse me?_ The Took thinks, indignant at the term the dwarf had used. _**That**__, used to be the feast of ladies' eyes in my time!_ But the Baggins shushes him, now too engrossed at the scene developing in front of him. The two brothers apparently forgotten of his presence – and dire predicament, for that matter.

"I still don't want you to look!" Kili crossed his arms over his chest.

"What makes you think that I want to?" Fili raised an eyebrow at him, crossing his arms as well "Besides, why are _you_ interested in looking?"

"I'm not!" Kili seems surprised by the insinuation "You know there is only one body that I appreciate, brother."

Fili nodded his head to the side, a smug smirk taking his lips. "Par for the course, dear brother."

This has Kili smirking as well, and the look they exchange is filled with untamed passion, making Bilbo feel terribly out of place. It was bad enough that he was already in a place where he was not supposed to be. Did the two really have to get flirtatious in front of him, now, of all times, when he couldn't run away?

"Maybe I'll have you covered in mud, later." The blonde leaned to whisper to his brother, but not so low that it didn't reach the hobbit's ears. The younger blushes slightly, but the excitement at the idea is evident in his brown eyes.

Bilbo is fake-coughing before he can contain himself, because being naked stuck in the mud was already degrading enough without having to watch heated dwarves getting kinky with each other.

"Do you think you could leave that for later, when you don't have a literally captive audience?" he asks, looking to the ground, not wanting to see in detail whatever they might end up doing.

When he has no answer, though, he risks looking up. Bilbo meets the sight of the brother's backs turned to him. What now? He thinks, rolling his eyes and blowing an angry sigh.

"No offense, Mr. Baggins, but we cannot help you." Kili says without looking at him.

"What?!" Well, maybe the boys were right. His voice _was_ a bit high pitched. Although Bilbo thinks it is highly justified, given what he has just been said.

"Neither of us can look at you. And since we cannot help you with our eyes closed…" Fili explains "We will leave you now and send someone else to help you."

"Oh! I know who we should send!" Kili jumps a little and Bilbo can practically feel the mischief flowing between them.

"Bofur!" Fili and Kili say at the same time, as it's their expertise.

Bofur?! The hobbit is mute at the sudden shrill and excitement that flows uncontrollably through his body. There is some embarrassment as well. He had no idea he'd been that obvious about his… infatuation, so to speak, that even Fili and Kili had noticed it.

"Don't worry, Bilbo..." Fili says.

"Rescue is on the way!" Kili finishes for him before the two go running back into the woods, leaving poor Bilbo to curse alone in the mud.

Bilbo had never thought that if Bofur would ever see him as in the day he was born, it would be this way. Maybe – and pay attention, he is not admitting anything – maybe he had thought of it happening in a clearing touched by the moonlight, or back in his comfortably safe hobbit role where they could have a cup of tea after… well, afterwards. Never in his dirtiest dreams had he thought that Bofur would see his naked body for the first time when covered in mud.

_Could be worse… the boys could end up sending Dwalin_. The Baggins participates on the inner conversation for the first time, desperately trying to not get nervous. _Aye, that's the spirit! We should be glad to be having this opportunity to seduce Bofur._ The Took says approvingly.

"Oh, my… what have I done to deserve this?" Bilbo says to himself, covering his face with his hands. There is no way those thoughts were healthy for him.

He is so worried about his sanity, and about how shameful it will be for him when he is finally out of the mud, that he misses the rushed footing over the leaves.

"Bilbo? Bilbo! Are ye alright?!" Bofur came from behind a tree, a worried look on his face.

The dwarf rushed to kneel at his side, touching his shoulder lightly. Bilbo shivered at the contact, lowering his head to hide the blush on his face.

"Are you cold? All this mud must be stealing the heat from your body…" Bofur said, misunderstanding his shudder for cold "The lads said ye needed my help but wouldn't tell me why. I was so worried! What happened?"

Bilbo sighed, this is the moment he had been dreading. All of his inner voices were immediately shut up, even the Took didn't want to risk to make a fool out of himself in front of Bofur, of all dwarves.

"Well… it's… it's a rather funny story, actually…" he cleared his throat, laughed humorlessly, trying at all costs to hide his embarrassment. Suddenly he was glad he had gotten mud on his face, so now his red cheeks were partially concealed.

"Funny?" Bofur said, widening his eyes a bit "There is nothing funny about this! Ye could have hurt yer leg, or worse, ye could have sunk deeper and got suffocated! What were Fili and Kili thinking, leaving ye like this? They should have gotten ye out immediately!"

A warm feeling dissipated through his chest, spread to his entire body, at Bofur's obvious worry for him. Self-consciously, Bilbo wriggled his toes deep within the mud. He cleared his throat again, but this time he looked up with a small grin.

"They seemed to be too preoccupied with keeping each other safe from the temptation that is little me."

Bofur chuckled, rolling his eyes. "What happened, then?"

"I was walking out of the lake and… well… stepped on the wrong place. Now here I am." He answered, raising his arms a bit and letting them fall flat on the muddy ground.

"Are ye hurt? Does it hurt anywhere?" Bofur asked, his hand reaching to remove a bit of mud from Bilbo's hair.

"No, no. I am fine." Bilbo said, all too aware of how close the dwarf's fingers had come of brushing against his sensitive ear "Just… dirty. I'm afraid I'll have to take another bath."

"Well, let's get ye out of here so ye can do just that." Bofur said, standing to lean down his weapon against a tree.

It is at this moment that Bilbo sees the dwarf taking notice of his pile of clothes. There is an awkward pause in his movements, and Bofur seems to avoid looking at him for a moment.

"But of course… if you were just coming out of the lake…" Bofur muttered before he clears his throat.

Giving up on trying to hide his blush, the hobbit looked up at Bofur. Anxiously, he watched as the dwarf left his weapon aside, and proceeded to remove his outer tunic. Now, why was he doing that? Unable to look away, Bilbo saw him take a rope out of his package and wrap it around a tree before wrapping it around his own waist.

"So I can pull myself out in case I sink in the mud as well." Bofur grinned at him as he explained, coming closer to where he had fallen "Now… let's put you into this."

Before he can register what is happening, Bofur is taking both his arms and putting them through the sleeves of the tunic he had removed seconds ago. The dwarf was larger than him, so the sleeves fell well past his wrists, the rest resting above the mud. It was surprisingly soft, and Bilbo felt the lingering warmth of the larger body it had been wore by. Bofur's warmth.

"I know how much ye like yer privacy." The dwarf offered him a shy smile, but soon his face turned into a focused one "Now, hold onto to me while I pull ye out. If ye feel like ye're stuck, and it hurts, tell me immediately. All right?"

"All—All right."

Without wasting anymore second, Bilbo launched his arms around Bofur's neck, subtly tucking his face on the other's neck. He might as well enjoy the moment. Who knew when he would get another opportunity to be this close?

Bofur smelled of wood and pipe weed, both familiar scents to Bilbo, who used to live among such comfortable things. As he grips tightly, he closes his eyes and for a few seconds pretends he is back in the Shire, surrounded by all his favorite things – even though there is a small addition to his image of home. A funny hat hanging by the door, another pipe puffing smoke in the air. Did he dare dream of that? When Erebor was reclaimed…

But of course not… dwarves had little interest for the Shire unless there was lots of food involved. Bilbo felt like a fool for even imagining such things. Not even his pantry would be enough to make Bofur settle down beneath those peaceful hills.

Strong arms brought him back to reality as they surrounded his chest right beneath his arms.

"Are ye ready?"

Bilbo nodded, resting his forehead against Bofur's neck.

It took some time, as if the mud had a strong mind to keep the hobbit there. Bofur pulled gently at first, but as the body wouldn't move, he slowly put more strength in his pulls. Bilbo held back his groans, not wanting to sound too weak. It didn't really hurt, it was just uncomfortable. Then, bit by bit, he felt the mud release the hold on his small body.

Every once in a while, Bofur would stop for a few seconds to breathe and to rearrange his tunic upon Bilbo's body. He was careful, the hobbit noticed, to not touch any… awkward places. Nonetheless, when most of his body was out and the dwarf had to hold him by the waist, it was positively difficult to avoid contact. Good thing Bofur had had the mind of covering him before pulling him out.

Bofur was a true gentleman, Bilbo smiled secretly on his shoulder. Relishing the last moments of being in his arms.

"Almost there… just one more." The dwarf said at some point.

Then, with one strong pull, Bilbo was finally free of his moist prison. The force of the movement, however, sent both to the floor. He fell on top of Bofur, with the other's arms surrounding tightly his waist. They looked into each other's eyes for a moment. There is a different glow in the dwarf's eyes, that Bilbo can't exactly place but makes his heart beat faster and faster. Can Bofur feel his chest thudding as if it was about to rip apart?

"Are you all right?" comes the quiet question, a small smile appearing beneath a dark moustache. Bofur's breath touches his skin "Did you get hurt?"

"No. No, I… I'm fine." Bilbo answers, unable to look away from those glowing eyes "Thank you for rescueing me."

"Ye're welcome." Bofur smiles at him and they fall in silence, just looking at each other.

They do not move from that position, however. Bilbo enjoys the way he fits against the larger body. He enjoys even more the fact that Bofur is not trying to move away either.

"I am sorry… I've got mud all over you." He decides to say something at last and Bofur laughs quietly. Bilbo is amazed about how he can feel the vibrations of the body beneath his.

"Oh, this is nothing. I used to be a miner… got lot dirtier than this." Bofur grinned at him "Now… not that I mind the company… but would ye like to take another bath? The others will soon come looking for ye… and I know ye don't like to bathe around the other lads…"

Bilbo chuckled, pleased that Bofur had come to know his habits so well. And was still not moving away from him. "Maybe if I didn't make such a fuss about it I would have gotten help a lot sooner."

"Ye don't have to show yer body if ye don't want to. I'm glad the lads came to me… some of the others can get very vulgar on certain moments… ye cannot imagine the comments they might make just to laugh at ye." Bofur replied and Bilbo wondered if the tightening of the grip on his waist was just his imagination.

"You are a gentleman, Bofur." Bilbo smiles at him.

"Nah… I am just a simple miner." Bofur retorts, looking to the side, a light pink covering his cheeks.

Bilbo chuckles at the other's discomfort and places a light kiss on his exposed rosy cheek, not thinking before he acted. This has the dwarf looking directly at him once more and he is suddenly very self-conscious.

Bofur raises a hand to push back his curly strands of hair behind his ear, eyes searching his face for something.

"I am really not much of a gentleman… I mostly didn't want the others looking at ye… without yer clothes on." The dwarf looks to the side again to hide a deeper blush.

Yet again, the arms around his waist tightened their grip on him, an aura of possessiveness covering Bofur's face. After a moment, Bilbo recognizes this. It was the same thing on Kili's eyes when he said he didn't want his brother to look at Bilbo. It was the same grip that Bofur had used to keep him safe against the rocky floor after Thorin had pulled him out of the precipice.

In this moment, Bilbo decides to give his Tookish side a chance. Because he had played riddles in the dark and had killed a grow orc, spilling the blood of a few others… showing more braveness then even he expected. The risk he was about to take required a great deal of courage surely would not be so great as to rip his head off, so he might as well let the stupid side of his personality handle this. Doing foolishness was the Took's expertise, nonetheless.

So, closing his eyes to avoid the shocked look that would come later, Bilbo leaned closer. Closer and closer, until their lips met.

Bofur froze at the action, and that leaves the hobbit thinking desperately that he had understood it all wrong. _Fool of a Took!_, the Baggins berates. Then one of the hands that was on his back was now on his head pulling him down. _Shut up Baggins_. The Took is smug for a second before they are both lost in the kiss.

It is slow at first, the pace increasing on the same rhythm of their heartbeats, until Bofur's tongue asked for entrance. A hand found its way beneth the large tunic that was serving as the only layer of yourself and this man, making Bilbo shiver delightedly under the finger's delicacy. This opens space for Bofur's mouth to trace a trail of kisses down his neck.

"I am glad the boys sent you instead of others." Bilbo manages to say between those mind-numbing kisses.

Suddenly Bofur spins them around, pining Bilbo against the ground. They hardly noticed how much more mud they were getting on themselves. For once, the Baggins did not care nor wished for his home. The idea of belonging to someone instead of somewhere sounding strangely _comfortable_.

"I am glad I finally get to do this to ye." Bofur said as flames appeared in his eyes "Ye can't possibly know how much I wanted to do this. How much it hurt to see ye in constant peril these last few nights…"

The dwarf kisses him once more, fiercely, possessively, yet gentle as though Bilbo was a frail plant that needed to be protected. Bilbo gives in completely, returning the kiss just as intensely.

"I've wanted this… you…" Bilbo whispers and blushes as the words escape his mouth, the sudden honesty making him blush several tones of red.

"Well, I am here…" Bofur replies, then beams a big happy at him "And I am sorry to inform you that you are now stuck with me, Master Baggins."

He laughed at that. Bofur's arms were one place he didn't mind get himself stuck into.

"Now… about all this mud…" Bofur says, a blush on his face and suggestive shy looks at the lake nearby.

Bilbo almost giggles in anxious excitement, his body rising up a bit to get even closer to Bofur in an involuntary demonstration of eagerness. It was not quite the place he had imagined it but… Not to mention the risk of getting caught… Nonetheless… _Let me handle this, Baggins_. The Took said, and the Baggins let him.

Very rarely the two agree on something that does not mean trouble – this time it only meant more "accidental" falls on the mud and more baths. Bilbo doesn't mind at all.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

***sigh* this was difficult… I hope it's not too lame.**

**I'm not exactly happy with it, I think Bilbo and Bofur are worthy of better stories than this and I intend to try again :)**

**Thank you for reading!**


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